having my own life

Sooooo.... after 2 weeks straight of work and kids and not one days break and having company... it occurred to me that outside of work and kids i don't have much of a... well i don't have a life at all. Don't get me wrong i adore my children and I'm so very thankful to be employed (well not really on the job thing but i don't want to appear ungrateful), but come on lets be honest here... I'm not getting any younger and don't have a lot of time to find THE ONE. its highly unlikely that Mr right will be found at my sons baseball games seeing as how all the dads are married. I'm still also not at the point to admit that I'm terrible in relationships and i am the reason for them falling apart...i don't have too and you cant make me. oh and to make matters worse... remember speed dating... well the extended me a free E-vite to come back. yeah probably no way in hell. i mean is it really that difficult to find someone who can handle someone like me? Ive seen bridezilla i am NO bridezilla but yet these crazy bitches have no problem.. I'm so confused. Ive also made a very conscious decision to remove my breast implants next year, but part of me is terrified that no one will really want to marry me then. i don't want to keep them out of fear that i will be alone forever and i don't want to remove them if that is the case...believe it or not i actually broke down over this decision..yes i know I'm superficial.. deal with it. I know alot of my fear derives from the fact that my birthday is coming up and guess whos pushing one more year closer to being 30? this bitch is... and this bitch is also pushing 30 and still not married, hell theres not even a prospect! and yes you can lecture to me how marriage is not everything its cracked up to be but damnt i just want to be miserable like the rest of you. I literally can not be an old cat lady.. cats scare me. yes i know im a hot mess... your preaching to the choir.. no one could be more aware of my faults than i am. im not 18 anymore and the thought of being in a committed relationship with someone who treats me the way i deserve no longer scares the hell out of me and i find myself at a point in my life longing for this and im not sure why.. and to be honest im a little concerned that if i do find it i wont feel very deserving of it and end up sabotaging it anyways...Well anyhow im going to give this dating thing a shot.. of course its hard to teach an old stubborn hard headed dog new tricks but im going to give it a go.. and lets hope it works out bc if not i may jump off of a cliff into the ocean ;-)