instead of lunch break its becoming a blog break

before i start be aware this post is blue for a reason... i know i joked in my previous blog about how i was at fault for my relationship failures, but there were some things i did not have control over.. the last 3 years of my life have been full of soooo many ups and sooo many downs. i take and own full responsibility for my faults.. i am fully aware of the temper i have and how quick i am to walk away from things when things get tough but i need everyone in my life to know... when i walked away from my relationship with HIM i had emotionally and physically endured more abuse in 2 years than i had in my entire life, i was NOT innocent but i did NOT deserve what happened. i lived every single day as a guest in my own home, being talked down to and pushed around.. the only thing at this point i accept blame for is  allowing it to go on as long as it did and in front of my children.. i should have been stronger... i should have set a better example..shoulda coulda woulda..i cant change what happened but trust this... it WONT happen again. Because i tend to say what i think people believe I'm stronger than i am, I'm not allowed to show weakness..but guess what... I'm human and just like everyone else i have a breaking point. i found a place of forgiveness for HIM because i had to.. he was never going to change and there was nothing i could do about it and the only person the pain was hurting was ME, and if i was in pain and couldn't move forward in my life then my pain was going to eventually reflect in my children's eyes and that's not something i was going to accept. So i made a change.. i forgave HIM for me not for HIM. the healing process with this one has taken sooo long but I'm getting there slowly but surely. i may never go into detail about what happened but that's okay..its my life that i lived and i don't have too. so with that being said i just didn't randomly pick this topic for my blog.. there was a trigger.. i was dealing with a customer today just like HIM.. it threw me back into that place and I froze..the way he said the things he did cut like a knife and the girl who would never tolerate that was once again tolerating it..I'm so angry at myself for being so week and being someones punching bag for so long... that wasn't me and here today i found myself in that same place all over again... it scared the hell out of me.. it wasn't the things he said (lets be honest Ive been called worse) it was how he said it..made me feel 2 inches tall and i just froze...like i always did before... who does that?!? me apparently.. i honestly could slap myself in the face right now..maybe I'm more damaged than i initially thought maybe ill never be 100 percent who knows... i hope one day ill be close...