this is my life

sorry no blogs lately I've been too busy trying to be skinny which i might add is a FULL TIME job. So I've cut out ALL fast food and sugar and in a week I've lost about 6 pounds, im still refusing the exercise... now cutting out these things wouldn't be so hard if healthy foods had calories but i find myself eating 20 times a day just to get close to my needed calorie intake and frankly its exhausting! who does this??! im soooo full and i have to force foods down bc im supposed to be eating 1800 calories a day and im lucky to hit 800 with the foods im eating. im not allowing myself a cheat day bc i have zero self control and it will all go to hell in a hand basket at that point. so at this rate of calorie intake i should weigh 25 pounds by next month  ;-) Anyhow back to more important news... yesterday my coworker whos name rhymes with penis fell out of his chair while on a phone call and stayed on the floor and continued the call as if nothing happened... oh and my moms iphone made her accidentally sext my ex.... not awkward at all? for a while there i could only dream of these things happening in my life but now i can proudly say its a reality =-) but most importantly i will not name names but theres this guy who has been texting and calling and texting and calling... lesson learned on posting your number on fb! many of you know that im not always the nicest person in life... but im trying i am reallllllly trying..regardless i have done everything short of blocking his number to get the point across but homeboy just isn't getting it so i guess im just going to have to block him from my phone..if you don't hear from me in a week then you know he didnt appreciate me blocking him!!!! dont get me wrong hes nice enough but comes on way too strong and doesn't know how to back off and i cant deal. i like how all my friends respond to this issue with telling me to change my identity haha ummm no he needs to learn how to take a hint!!! anyhow thats all for today unless something ridiculous happens to me and we all know thats a huge possibility... my life is like a sitcom...stay tuned!!!

instead of lunch break its becoming a blog break

before i start be aware this post is blue for a reason... i know i joked in my previous blog about how i was at fault for my relationship failures, but there were some things i did not have control over.. the last 3 years of my life have been full of soooo many ups and sooo many downs. i take and own full responsibility for my faults.. i am fully aware of the temper i have and how quick i am to walk away from things when things get tough but i need everyone in my life to know... when i walked away from my relationship with HIM i had emotionally and physically endured more abuse in 2 years than i had in my entire life, i was NOT innocent but i did NOT deserve what happened. i lived every single day as a guest in my own home, being talked down to and pushed around.. the only thing at this point i accept blame for is  allowing it to go on as long as it did and in front of my children.. i should have been stronger... i should have set a better example..shoulda coulda woulda..i cant change what happened but trust this... it WONT happen again. Because i tend to say what i think people believe I'm stronger than i am, I'm not allowed to show weakness..but guess what... I'm human and just like everyone else i have a breaking point. i found a place of forgiveness for HIM because i had to.. he was never going to change and there was nothing i could do about it and the only person the pain was hurting was ME, and if i was in pain and couldn't move forward in my life then my pain was going to eventually reflect in my children's eyes and that's not something i was going to accept. So i made a change.. i forgave HIM for me not for HIM. the healing process with this one has taken sooo long but I'm getting there slowly but surely. i may never go into detail about what happened but that's okay..its my life that i lived and i don't have too. so with that being said i just didn't randomly pick this topic for my blog.. there was a trigger.. i was dealing with a customer today just like HIM.. it threw me back into that place and I froze..the way he said the things he did cut like a knife and the girl who would never tolerate that was once again tolerating it..I'm so angry at myself for being so week and being someones punching bag for so long... that wasn't me and here today i found myself in that same place all over again... it scared the hell out of me.. it wasn't the things he said (lets be honest Ive been called worse) it was how he said it..made me feel 2 inches tall and i just froze...like i always did before... who does that?!? me apparently.. i honestly could slap myself in the face right now..maybe I'm more damaged than i initially thought maybe ill never be 100 percent who knows... i hope one day ill be close...

having my own life

Sooooo.... after 2 weeks straight of work and kids and not one days break and having company... it occurred to me that outside of work and kids i don't have much of a... well i don't have a life at all. Don't get me wrong i adore my children and I'm so very thankful to be employed (well not really on the job thing but i don't want to appear ungrateful), but come on lets be honest here... I'm not getting any younger and don't have a lot of time to find THE ONE. its highly unlikely that Mr right will be found at my sons baseball games seeing as how all the dads are married. I'm still also not at the point to admit that I'm terrible in relationships and i am the reason for them falling apart...i don't have too and you cant make me. oh and to make matters worse... remember speed dating... well the extended me a free E-vite to come back. yeah probably no way in hell. i mean is it really that difficult to find someone who can handle someone like me? Ive seen bridezilla i am NO bridezilla but yet these crazy bitches have no problem.. I'm so confused. Ive also made a very conscious decision to remove my breast implants next year, but part of me is terrified that no one will really want to marry me then. i don't want to keep them out of fear that i will be alone forever and i don't want to remove them if that is the case...believe it or not i actually broke down over this decision..yes i know I'm superficial.. deal with it. I know alot of my fear derives from the fact that my birthday is coming up and guess whos pushing one more year closer to being 30? this bitch is... and this bitch is also pushing 30 and still not married, hell theres not even a prospect! and yes you can lecture to me how marriage is not everything its cracked up to be but damnt i just want to be miserable like the rest of you. I literally can not be an old cat lady.. cats scare me. yes i know im a hot mess... your preaching to the choir.. no one could be more aware of my faults than i am. im not 18 anymore and the thought of being in a committed relationship with someone who treats me the way i deserve no longer scares the hell out of me and i find myself at a point in my life longing for this and im not sure why.. and to be honest im a little concerned that if i do find it i wont feel very deserving of it and end up sabotaging it anyways...Well anyhow im going to give this dating thing a shot.. of course its hard to teach an old stubborn hard headed dog new tricks but im going to give it a go.. and lets hope it works out bc if not i may jump off of a cliff into the ocean ;-)